Wednesday, February 20, 2013

"I Ain't Cryin' Cause You Left Me .....

... I Just Got Some Insane Sauce In My Eye.
So I was about to get in the shower the other morning 'bout 7:15, heard the doorbell ring and I thought "Who the FUCK is ringin' my doorbell at 7 o'clock in the GOT-dam mornin'?". I was nekkid, but since Ms. Baby was home, I didn't rush out and open the front door to greet our visitor, but I did listen from the bedroom door while She did .... you know, in case it was somebody who needed an asswhuppin', or a stun batonin', a machete choppin' or shootin'. I was prepared to do all of those things nekkid (and a couple of those things I've wanted to do in the buff for a long time) but then I heard the voice of the lady who lives across the street, and I knew everything was a'ight so I closed the bedroom door and got in the shower. I sure didn't want to talk to HER.   So about five minutes into my shower Ms. baby walked into the bathroom and asked through the curtain "Did you hear it?" .... "Hear what?" I replied thinking she was talking about ANYthing Karen had said. "That EXPLOSION." Aw HELL, now she had my attention. "What Explosion?" I asked as I jerked the shower curtain open, wide eyed. "Karen said she was taking her dogs (two Papillions ... and noisy little fuckers, too) outside and when she heard an explosion she looked up to see the pool gaping open and a tsunami comin' at her!. I heard a Boom sound" Ms. Baby continued, "and I looked outside, but I didn't see the pool until just now.". I got out of the shower, grabbed a towel and we both walked to our bedroom's back door. I pulled the drapes back and I want to tell you, friends and neighbors, one whole side of that 24' above ground pool was standin' as wide open as a stock gate, and what was left of the 14,000 gallons of water it once contained was standing in my back yard. Fortunately for us (and our HOME) the pool WAS standing to the left of the end of our house and not directly behind it, and the yard goes slightly downhill toward our street (and directly in front of Karen's house) so we weren't flooded. Fortunately for Karen we have a fairly large yard; front and back, and the pool WAS far enough away that no water made it her yard, either. Filled the fuck outta the ditch in front of our house, Joe's ditch next door and downhill from us, and there was so much water it even filled the ditch next door on the UPhill side of us. Karen said it was very exciting when it went and she screamed, picked up her little dogs and ran for her front porch thinking they were about to be flooded. I wish I'd seen it ... no ... I WISH I'd been video taping her and the pool when it went, you know, like you've seen so any times on America's Funnyass Videos. But I wasn't so I don't have any video to share. The pool was 21 years old last spring; we had noticed some "sweating" at the juncture of the stainless steel service panel and where it connected to the tin a couple of years ago, and we discussed having it replaced. But I told Ms. baby "This sumbitch will last at LEAST three more years!". Missed it by thaaaat much.

I told you all that ... so I could tell you this ....
We have since decided that we're 'past' having a pool; especially since a new in-ground pool would cost about 30 grand here at Rocky Bottom, and we've MUCH better things to do with that money, and ESPECIALLY since I have become the soul caretaker (opening, closing, and maintaining) of a pool that the neighborhood kids and family members use LOTS more than we do .... so .... I took it down Monday last.  It was an all day sucker, too, taking that rascal apart. About a thousand rusty screws to remove from top rails, side frames and ring brackets before I could even start on the side wall. My plan was to "just roll 'er up" but the sidewall alone weighs about 500 lbs. so thank ye Jesus fer muh heavy duty sawzall. The werst part of the whole removal procedure? That song was stuck in my head the whole time. What song? The title of this fucking post, of course ... that damned Zaxby commercial with the lame ass country singer singing songs to a plate of fucking chicken fingers! You know the one I'm talking about ... he starts out singing, "Saucy lady, Saucy Lady" like he's thinking about screwing that plate of fried chicken parts, sings several more lame ass country songs at the Zaxby alter and finishes with "I ain't cryin' cause you left me ... I just got some insane sauce in my eye.". Well, all I could remember were the first and last songs so like a true earwerm they stuck in (and rattled around in) my empty head ..... all ... fucking .... day .... long .... over and over again. Now, the pool is neatly stacked out back and waiting for me to load 'er up to take to the Convenience Center this afternoon. I woke up yesterday morning with it still pinging my brain as it continued to assault my senses(and my intelligence!) until yesterday afternoon. I was driving to the Post Office listening to NPR and some 'guy'(never did catch his name after the Zaxby's earwerm was pushed out by the new and current one) who is doing a biography of Tandyn Almer, a brilliant songwriter from the sixties who recently passed away and wrote songs for many groups and singers of that day (take the link to wiki), but the 'guy' was asked which was his favorite of all the songs Almer had written. His reply is below and is now becoming almost as annoying as the former earwerm ... so I hadda post it. Hope it has the same effect on both of ya'll. I blame this earwerm epidemic on the diminishing amount of tetra-hydra-cannabinol molecules lodged in my gray matter because it's been a while since I torched my last doob Superbowl Monday. I decided to take a break from taking a break and had originally PLANNED to crank that particular partaking activity up again in April or so. However ... after thinking about this song's original meaning? I'm fiddin' to order one of THESE so I can get back to NORML! Enjoy the tune.... at this point I ... still am.

The Association - "Along Comes Mary"'
Every time I think that I'm the only one who's lonely
Someone calls on me
And every now and then I spend my time in rhyme and verse
And curse those faults in me
And then along comes Mary
And does she want to give me kicks , and be my steady chick
And give me pick of memories
Or maybe rather gather tales of all the fails and tribulations
No one ever sees
When we met I was sure out to lunch
Now my empty cup is as sweet as the punch
When vague desire is the fire in the eyes of chicks
Whose sickness is the games they play
And when the masquerade is played and neighbor folks make jokes
As who is most to blame today
And then along comes Mary
And does she want to set them free, and let them see reality
From where she got her name
And will they struggle much when told that such a tender touch as hers
Will make them not the same
When we met I was sure out to lunch
Now my empty cup is as sweet as the punch
And when the morning of the warning's passed, the gassed
And flaccid kids are flung across the stars
The psychodramas and the traumas gone
The songs are left unsung and hung upon the scars
And then along comes Mary
And does she want to see the stains, the dead remains of all the pains
She left the night before
Or will their waking eyes reflect the lies, and make them
Realize their urgent cry for sight no more
When we met I was sure out to lunch
Now my empty cup is as sweet as the punch

Next project? Tearing down "The Deck To Nowhere" .....


  1. Awww, man! That woulda made a great home vid! Especially if you were standing out there in front of the tsunami with the dog? Filmed from the safety of the greenhouse/hot tub room? Shit... Worth at least a shot at the $10K Funniest Shit We've Ever Seen Video show.

    Bet that was a mess. I was pissed to find my bird bath overturned a time or two last summer, and ended up borrowing a raccoon trap from some guy to take care of THAT mf'n problem.
    Can't imagine having an entire swimming pool of old summer water swashbucklin' across the neighborhood.
    Holler at me if you want help hauling it off (got a little truck, ya know? And I think Craig's off today, to boot!)

  2. Makes my back ache lookin' at that mess.
    On the bright side, now you have room to put in a "survival garden".

  3. Beej. OK, first, if it was me, I'd be looking at it like kharma had saved me from making a tough decision. As a former pool caretaker and skin cancer survivor while still owning the fucking pool, I felt obli-fucking-gated to keep it in pristine working conditions for family and the entire neighborhood 12-months a year.

    As for the vaporizer dealio... $700 smackeroonies would provide for the purchase of, I think, maybe 14,360 really nifty double-wide rolling papers. Of course, that assumes distributor pricing, and discounts the lung damage induced by inhaling half a chemically-processed Lollylob pine tree.

    Maybe I should rethink that one.

    And, just for information purposes, I refuse to click on that fucking Tootsie-Pop song and be tortured for the entire fucking week. Also, take Squattie's offer for some help. He doesn't get out much, you know. Let him feel useful and buy him a smoked pig sammich and a cold brewski for his efforts. Ask him about what birds have been over to his place for a visit, and don't tell him of the rare visitors over to Johnsonville.

    Maybe let him sit a bit inside to warm his artificially chilled testicles. Having said all of that, I'm sorry for your loss. Terrible waste of water.

  4. Squat, Yeah it was a big fuckin' mess and I woulda LOVED to have been up in that mammajamma inside a kayak or sump'nuther with somebody else video taping when she blew. Woulda been funny, too, ... up until I hit that chain link fence! Then again ... That might have been the funnyass part!
    'Nucks, I tore the pool apart on Monday and my back HAS been hurting ever since! I'ma load that rascal up today 'cause it rained Tuesday, and was too effing COLD and WINDY to do it yesterday, so that'll be another day of lower back pain (waaaah!). Oh and I'll still have to deconstruct that big ol' 21 year old deck and gate that went halfway round the pool sooo I'm figgerin' on a few more days of lumbar discomfort for that! Send Kleenex and a Waaahmbulance ...
    As for the garden spot, that's on the other side of the back yard where it ain't quite as rocky. I've had a garden every year since Y2K there and it's 90'X25'. Dunno if that qualifies as enough room for a survival garden but I grow enough 'maters, 'n corn, 'n beans, 'n peppers, 'n okra, 'n squash, 'n cucumbers, 'n onions there ever year to put some up for winter. I prefer the term "Victory Garden" 'cause as long as I get ONE fruit or veggie from each plant I grow .... I consider it a Victory! Reckon what happened to that PBS show?
    Mooner, I've really felt that pool obligatin' stress yer talkin' about for the last few years so I'm sure I'M over having a pool. Me 'n Ms. Baby've been talking about relocating to warmer climes when SHE retires, as well, so the duckies we save by not buying and maintaining a new one will be better spent at Johnsonville Nouveau. I have thunk and rethunk and pondered on and weighed the options for about five years now on that vaporizer thingy and MY mind is made up .... I thimk! I ordered one yestiddy. Stay tuned for further developments.
    I personally LOVED The Association and pretty much everything they did way back when.PLUS the inside of my head confirms "Along Comes Mary" (you DO know what Mary refers to, right?), which is still rattlin' around in there, is a far better earwerm than the Cryin' Insane Sauce Hillbilly guy!
    And please STOP poormouthin' my Buddy Squatty! At least until he he'ps me unload that 600 lbs of sheet steel. He's also gonna he'p me Christen, and name my new toy when it gets here. We'll BOTH need a pig sammich and a beer after that!

  5. So back in the day, we were all groovin to the mellowness of the Association...and my business associate, a guy named "The Preacher" tells me he knows them personally and music was only a side business...they were making the big bucks dealing Owsley....of course I was just a 16 year old kid and I believed it...but it makes sense...One record then they disappeared. At least you didn't quote the Strawberry Alarm Clock...I got rudely awakened this morning by the France Telecom Guys with a big work crew coming down here after spray painting stakes in the road for the last 2 years...they are putting in new phone poles and cement power lines finally...we had the old phone lines strung on the side of barns for the last 4 years since the big Storm, Klaus ripped everything up....Kind of amazing, considering the quality of internet service I get here at the end of the world, the signal goes out on these old lines laying on the side of the ditch....
    At least you won't have to look at that old pool anymore...I have a swamp on my land...It gets pretty funky around August....

  6. I also wanted to thank you for the concern you posted about my wife recovery....It's been 3 weeks since the foot reconstruction project and I have to admit, it's hard work to keep her immobile....The up side is that we don't have to rely on my culinary ambitions for survival any more....I like to cook and I think I'm pretty good, but I tend to think about dinner moments before it's time to eat...either that or it's like an army staff planning an invasion....wimmens have the ability to look in the fridge and when I look, I see nothing edible, she can put together a dinner I could never imagine from nothing!
    I am getting pretty good at recreating my favorite chinese carry out dishes from Ave A in the East Village...chop chop lotts of flames, a little oyster voila! She's recovering nicely...a nurse comes everyday to check up and she should get the bandages off on this Thursday. We are crediting her speedy healing to our nephew in Bangkok who is sending boxes of Chinese medicine recommended by his friend who is a ohysician and Buddhist monk.
    I was going to mention another detail about my fantastic internet the lines were on the ground and hanging off the sides of barns for a few years...things worked for the most part, but every once in a while, we'd lose our service and I kept calling the Telecom crew, they'd come out, test the lines and find nothing wrong...then one night, I was out with the dog and realized I heard this clicking noise coming from the line where it was attached to the one metal good pole left standing...Boudy, the local farmer had strung his DC Electric Cow wire on up on the pole to get it across the was somehow fucking up the phone line. I called the work crew, they came out and thanked me. I was the only person on the line, so I was the only one who noticed. I live surrounded by a few herds of cows in the valleys around my house. These DC electric lines play havoc with my TV and radio reception. This is free range veal country!

  7. Microdot, So glad to hear the Missus is on the mend and doing well. Medication from Thailand? In boxes? They aren't tightly wrapped herbal "sticks" are they? Finest kind medicine, that! My parents live in a remote part of South Carolina (turn off the paved road onto the sand road and when you get to the sand road crossroads keep going straight into the pineywood!) and like your deconstucted phone lines that are now being repaired, they're just now putting up poles to get the phone lines off the ground. They started building homes at the highway end of the sand road a couple of years ago and phone lines lying across the road was all they had until recently, so I understand where yer comin' from on that.
    The Association story you recounted sounds completely plausible to me. I hadn't tried acid in '66 and '67 (I turned 16 in August of '67 and was "Turned ON" as a Birthday gift) but I had heard of Owsley, even in South carolina. I didn't take my first trip until a couple years later after I graduated from high school and joined a commune. Purple Microdot got my cherry ... "THAT little thing is going to fuck me up for TWELVE HOURS!?!? I don't believe that shit ... give me TWO!". Needles to say I was much more cautious my SECOND time around with Barrel Sunshine a month or so later. The Association actually had a couple of albums do well (okay ... I bought them anyway) I recall several songs they did as Mooner calls 'em Tootsie-Pop; Windy, Never My Love, Cherish etc. but my favorite came out about the time David and Chet were leaning heavily on the daily "Body Count" for the majority of their broadcast, and for some strange reason the lyrics had a lasting effect on my psyche. I'm sure you remember it, too ...
    Keep On Keepin' On
    btw I clicked on your Google/gmail pic and Dood ... That's EXACTLY how I had you pictured! heh Okay ... I like yer On Stage pic above, too

  8. Never My Love and Cherish were backseaters for this young pup back in '72-'73... still get a chubby when either of those is on the radio (like THAT happens in Beibertland).

    About the same time that vanilla pop was sloshing around there was some REALLY great music crankin', though, and it didn't take long for The Association to go the way of Bread and The Carpenters. Nice sounds, but c'mon... Santana? Cat Stevens? CSN? Dark Side of the Moon? Meddle? Shit, Elton and Bernie were kickin' it at the same time, too, and that was before the Glam Rock took over.

    Still look at that period as the best era for rock music of all time. Late sixties, early seventies. The eighties were a complete cultural desert, other than one or two Pink Floyd offerings.

    But I still remember the vibe from those oldies, and get a buzz pondering the vibe.

  9. No doubt about CSN, Carlos and the Floyd in the seventies, but the difference, Squatty, is that when you were in the backseat listening to those Association songs they were already Oldies. In the mid sixties when those songs came out there were very few counter-culture war protest songs. Richie Havens, Phil Ochs, Donovan, The Byrds, Barry Mcguire, Country Joe, and of course Dylan were around and recording before 1969 but they weren't being played on WCOS in Columbia, SC! I lived in a little town named Dentsville, just outside Gate 1 of Ft. Jackson. Jackson was (is) a Basic Training facility with Jungle training and communications AIT as well. Sumter Air Force Base was 40 miles, Parris Island was only 144 miles away with Charleston Naval Base 60 miles north. South Carolina WAS the military establishment and the airwaves were dominated by the Beach Boys, Jan and Dean, The Coasters, The Tams, James Brown and a very Tootsie-Pop group (at that time) called The Beatles. There was ONE Underground radio Station, so-called, and they were only on the air for seven or eight hours a day, called (I think) WWAR. That's where I was first introduced to protest movement songs (including racial equality songs like Strange Fruit, A Change Is Gonna Come, Say It Loud etc.), the counter culture idea, and Pete Seeger and The Weavers' 'Waist Deep In The Big Muddy'. Blind Obedience was the order of the day in those 'Domino Effect' sixties, and the daily body count was a big deal to ME in my little corner of that Military Establishment. When I started trying to figure out why such a neat song like Waist Deep was pissing so many people off, I found out it wasn't a song about the Mississippi River, and slowly came to the realization that my .... fucking ... GOVERNMENT ... was lying to me. That's when I stopped taking song lyrics at face value and began HEARING what those anti-war songs were SAYING, and I became a different person. As a child I was very familiar with Duck and Cover drills so I KNEW I didn't have anything to LIVE for 'cause The Bomb was coming any minute. I actually saw Reefer Madness for the first time when I was in the seventh grade .... AT SCHOOL; E.L. Wright Junior High. When I smoked my first reefer the summer of '67 ..... I caught them fuckers in another big LIE. I didn't believe ANYTHING anyone over 30 said after that. By then The Smothers Brothers and Laugh In were on the TeeVee and my musical thirst for truth exploded ... just like my attitude toward authority ... and I heard and SAW groups like Cream, The Doors, Janis Ian, Peter Paul and Mary, and Jefferson Airplane, and as their popularity grew from their appearances on those shows, they began playing those songs on regular commercial radio, and Underground came out into the light. 'Saucerful Of Secrets' and Ummagumma set my 'Timothy Leary' induced search into motion and by the summer of '68 when the Democratic National Convention was held I found out about folks like Abbie Hoffman, Jerry Rubin and the rest of the Chicago Eight. What those folks, and Joan Baez and Gracie Slick were saying RESONATED in my Draft (and 'I Feel Like I'm Fixin' To Die Rag') conscious mind and pushed me on over the edge.
    Starting to ramble here so I'll end this with, Yeah, Squatty, No flies on Santana, CSN, The Floyd, Steppenwolf, The Who, Jimi and the like ... they were GREAT by the late sixties and throughout the seventies .... but groups like The Association, West Coast Pop Art Experimental Band, Pete Seeger, Dylan, The Bob Seger System (yeah ... THAT Bob Seger), and Edwin Starr .... had already helped mold me into what I WAS. They also made me appreciate, and understand, those later groups even more.

  10. DAY-UM! Forgot to mention Woody and Arlo! Sooooo .... WOODY and ARLO!!

  11. You're right, I kinda put a lot of The Association music out of my mind...the on stage pic is circa 1981 in Central Park...I still have the Fender Precision Bass which I bought off of the bass player in Rufus! I put on the brass pick guard. My wife was in that group and she still has the same color purple hair....I swear, I have never seen her actual hair color and I probably never will.

  12. Microdot, MAN! I loved Rufus! There's a whole lotta bottom in 'Tell Me Somethin' Good', as I recall ....and most of the rest of their songs, too. You really ARE a Funk man, ain't'cha'?


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